I am in the state of confusion where all of a sudden, the things that I did to my friends was really rude and never did I regret all of my wrong doings since I snapped out of the blues that I have these three pals that I am consistently questioning that am I a part of their clique... I never meant to make them endure that they're only my decorations in this life that I am drawn to. The truth is, I am dumbfounded that whether I should be with them or not? Because I possess imperfections that are oddly terrifying as you may see.
As far as people know about me, they always think that I'm the good girl. I never do wrong and is perfect for evey single thing. Although, there are still details that they missed from me. Supposedly, I don't know who the hell I am now and I do need to know who I am right now. I need to gather the time and space that I could get just to realize who I became. 'Cause all I know that I f**ked this day I totally mean f**ked up and messed everything. I honestly don't know where I stand in people's lives. I always feel an outcast to every group that I am in, because I push away people and shut them out when they're trying to reach for my hands. I am daft for making little things worse than you know. As a person I too find myself searching for things that are wrong from people and I'll compare it to mine. Feels like everybody hates me now, I broke their trusts and haven't known that what I am now is completely wrong... My existence was wrong, and I can sense it. Does God even know what I feel right now? He gave us life but we get to be hurt in the process of growing, we all have purposes in life that I just can't see through the fog that I am closed in. I see nothing but darkness and the fleeting delightness of living in this dying land.
Why am I still breathing if all that's in my mind was the idea of escaping this world? I've gone through worse every single day... 'Cause I know nothing but to love others first before I. Even if I have the blackest soul, I still have a little light to pass those people who've been precious to this infinitely dark heart. I am weak, I was never too strong to figure this path out on my own. I gripped and held on to random people to guide me but it doesn't make sense when I don't surely know who are the true ones. I am terrified of the reality that maybe one day, these three rad women will leave me just because of who I am. They hate people who make the little things as a bigger problem. But, I don't know if will they ever welcome me again. I know now that they stand to be the persons that will bring the best memories. Even if I'd experienced losing and begging for friends to stay with me, they may be different. And I just have to adjust my own self, if it's even difficult to find my way out of these heavy cloud formations, I will do it for the better... Soon enough. Maybe this way, they can appreciate my apologies... I'm sorry. Truly.
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